Forks High School Newspaper
by BleedingFlames
Summary: The First ever Forks High School Newspaper! Here you can see what's going on at Forks High School and Emmett Cullen's advice column! Aahh, High School life! ON HIATUS!
1. Chapter 1

**FORKS HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER**

_The Forks High School Newspaper is delivered to students for $1.50 every week. Enjoy! _

**

* * *

**

**Jessica Stanley food poisoning from Cafeteria Food?  
**by: Melanie Parker

Jessica Stanley was brought to the Nurse's Office by boyfriend, Mike Newton, for complaints of stomach ache, dizziness and head ache. These are some of the known symptoms of food poisoning. Ms. Stanley was brought in during her Biology class which was right after Lunch yesterday. The Cafeteria served mystery meat and sloppy joes which may have been the cause of Ms. Stanley's illness. This reporter asks if the school could dip lower into their budget to provide more edible food for its students to eat or else parents will be taking further action, as quoted by Jessica Stanley's parents. Fortunately, Mr. and Mrs. Stanley will not be suing the school in case it is proven that their daughter had food poisoning from our cafeteria.

* * *

**THE ADVICE COLUMN  
**by: Emmett Cullen

**Dear Emmett, I really need a girlfriend right now but I have no idea where to find one. Any help? ~StillSingle**

_Dear StillSingle, for starters: SHUT OFF YOUR COMPUTER, GO OUTSIDE AND MEET SOMEONE. Lastly, I'm an advice columnist and not a matchmaker. ~Emmett_

**Dear Emmett, I suck at Algebra but I'm too shy to ask questions. What can I do? ~?**

_Dear ?, You ain't gonna live life if you don't ask "Why?" ~Emmett_

**Dear Emmett, I love my boyfriend but my parents don't want me to be with him. Any ideas? ~HotChick**

_Dear HotChick, Don't worry. Love starts with a hug, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. You'll be without him soon enough and you're parents are going to be happy soon. ~Emmett_

**Dear Emmett, my parents yell at me all the time. What can I do to make them stop? ~Hurt**

_Dear Hurt, get earplugs. Smile and the World will smile with you. Don't take them too seriously, they're just tired or jealous. ~Emmett_

**Dear Emmett, I failed Biology and I'm too scared to tell my parents. What should I do? ~A+**

_Dear A+, Tell them that they probably failed Biology too when they were at school and what can you do about inherited genetics? As quoted by Homer Simpson, "Blame yourself once and move on"_ _~Emmett_

**Dear Emmett, r u available? ~GirlNextDoor**

_Dear GirlNextDoor, SUFFER THE WRATH OF ROSALIE HALE! ~Emmett_

**

* * *

so, how do you guys like it? I figure with Emmett's Journal ending and all, I better write another one about Emmett. :)  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**FORKS HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER**

_The Forks High School Newspaper is delivered to students for $1.50 every week. Enjoy! _

**

* * *

**

**Forks High School Winter Formal  
**by: Lily Su

The Forks High School annual Winter Formal is fast approaching! In just two weeks, the dance will be upon us. Well girls and boys, better snatch up your partner quick or else you're going to be dancing alone next Saturday! Principal McMeany reminds everyone not to bring any alcoholic beverages, drugs, weapons and other prohibited items inside the gym. Those who would bring these items will be detained and suspended for a week.

* * *

**THE ADVICE COLUMN  
**by: Emmett Cullen

**Dear Emmett, what pranks can I pull on my enemy. I need about 3-5. ~PranXter**

_Dear PranXter, ah yes...what I do best. Well, there's my favorite: during gym class, replace her shampoo with glue then watch him/her scream. Sneak up on him/her when its their birthday and hit him in the arm. One punch for every year of their life. So...a 13 yr old would get 13 punches. Lastly, Walk up to your victim and with one hand moving across his face tell him that a car is going this way. Then, move the other hand the other way and tell him another car is going that way...then close your arms and slap his face. Then tell him, "Ooh! They crashed!" ~Emmett_

**Dear Emmett, I really want a new dress from Top Shop. It costs $84 dollars and I only have $45 in my piggy bank? How can I earn enough money in a week? ~Piggy_Bank**

_Dear Piggy_Bank, well duh! do chores! make a lemonade stand! babysitting job! ~Emmett_

**Dear Emmett, my classmates are all ignoring me. What should I do? ~HELPLESS**

_Dear HELPLESS, Dress up like Lady Gaga and come to school that way! ~Emmett_**  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to Amethyst for the inspiration for the article! Thanks to dazzleglo for the idea! Review with your problems and I promise you that Emmett will answer them!  
**

**

* * *

FORKS HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER**

_The Forks High School Newspaper is delivered to students for $1.50 every week. Enjoy! _

**

* * *

**

**Bitch Fight in the Cafeteria  
**by: Peter Wells

New girl, Trixie Stone, experienced one of her first bitch fights in the Cafeteria today. Trixie had chosen spaghetti, chocolate milk, and a banana yogurt as her lunch and was making her way across the cafeteria to her table. Well, she should have noticed the 'Wet Floor' sign but unfortunately, she didn't. To make things short, she slipped and her tray flew into the air to land into Rosalie Hale's hair. Of course, Rosalie didn't let it go at that. She stood up, spaghetti and yogurt dripping from her hair, and shouted cuss words and other insults at Trixie who was cowering by then. Hale had to be restrained by her boyfriend, Emmett Cullen and adopted brother, Edward Cullen. The Cullens exited the cafeteria as though nothing happened. But this reporter overheard Ms. Hale shouting in the hallway "I'll get that bitch for ruining my hair!" Trixie Stone, you better watch out!

* * *

**THE ADVICE COLUMN  
**by: Emmett Cullen

**Dear emmett, I am moving soon, and im not sure if i'm going to be able to make friends with the ppl where i'm going. -moving on up!**

_Dear Moving on up!, don't worry...you'll be able to make new friends. And don't change __just to make others like you. Be who you are! ~Emmett_

**Dear Emmett, my brother has a dog who smells. What do I do? ~Smelly**

_Dear Smelly, we also have a couple of dogs from La Push who smell. I suggest throwing your brother's dog out into the porch. That's what I did with the puppies from La Push. ~Emmett_

**Dear Emmett, my brother beat me in arm wrestling. I'm humiliated, so what should i do? ~Advice**

_Dear Advice, I can relate to this. Insert comments about your brother's sex life as much as possible. Have fun! ~Emmett_


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks to Amethyst for the inspiration for the article! Thanks to dazzleglo for the idea! Review with your problems and I promise you that Emmett will answer them!  
**

**

* * *

FORKS HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER**

_The Forks High School Newspaper is delivered to students for $1.50 every week. Enjoy! _

**

* * *

**

**High School's IT Couples!  
**by: Tricia Wells

This is your number one gossip reporter, Tricia Wells, reporting to you High School's IT couples! There are ten IT couples with the first IT couple being the most popular and the last IT couple being the cutest or even most annoying. So let's hear it!

The First IT couple is our very own advice columnist, Emmett Cullen and his adoptive sister and girlfriend, Rosalie Hale. The second IT couple is Edward Cullen and wife, Bella Swan. The third IT couple is Jasper Hale and Alice Cullen. Surprisingly, the Cullens all made it to the top 3 of our IT couples list. The fourth IT couple is Ben Cheney and Angela Weber who have been going steady for almost six months. Next IT couple would be Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley, our on and off love team. Rumors have been spreading that Mike is playing the field a little but of course, this rumor is yet to be confirmed. Sixth IT couple would be me and my boyfriend, Brad Tennyson. Seventh IT couple is Eric Yorkie and Lauren Mallory. Next IT couple is Jason Forbes and girlfriend, Miranda Baker. Ninth IT couple would be AJ Allers and Dakota Tanner. The last IT couple is Andrew Vyron and KC Carries.

Tune in next week to see if you and your soulmate would be the next IT couple in Forks High School!

* * *

**THE ADVICE COLUMN  
**by: Emmett Cullen

**Dear Emmett, I've had a enough with my life. Do you have any idea's of how to commit suicide. ~Lifesnotworthliving**

_Dear Lifesnotworthliving, one word: DON'T! _

**Dear Emmett, my sister is really annoying and I have no idea what to do! Help, please! ~Annoyed Sister**

_Dear Annoyed Sister, you have my sympathies. I mean, I have three of them! This is what I do: in Bella's case, I comment about her sex life and expose her truest secrets to the 'dogs' living in La Push reservation. In Alice's case, I destroy her credit cards or else place it with a $50 dollar limit before she goes on a shopping spree. And in Rosalie's case, I switch her shampoo to hair dye. But the most important rules in annoying your siblings are: HAVE FUN and DON'T GET CAUGHT! ~Emmett_**  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks to Amethyst for the inspiration for the article! Thanks to dazzleglo for the idea! Review with your problems and I promise you that Emmett will answer them!  
**

**

* * *

FORKS HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER**

_The Forks High School Newspaper is delivered to students for $1.50 every week. Enjoy! _

**

* * *

**

**EXTRA! EXTRA! **

**EMMETT CULLEN AT THE HOSPITAL DUE TO UNKNOWN REASONS!  
**by: James Reid

Following a one-week absence of Emmett Cullen; his brother, Edward Cullen, released a statement a while ago that his brother is in the hospital. A lot of girls cried and after school, they immediately went to Forks General holding flowers, chocolates, get well cards, teddy bears and candy for Emmett Cullen. Since they weren't allowed into Mr. Cullen's room, they just left it at the lobby of Forks General with the promise that hospital staff would send them up to Emmett's room.

But this reporter asks, "Why is Emmett Cullen in the hospital?"

* * *

**A NOTE FROM THE PRINCIPAL: **

_**DEAR STUDENTS, FOLLOWING THE UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT OF EMMETT CULLEN, THE ADVICE COLUMN IS TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED UNTIL MR. CULLEN GETS BACK. IF HE DOES NOT GET BACK WITHIN THE MONTH, I'M AFRAID THIS COLUMN WILL BE TAKEN OUT OF THE NEWSPAPER. **_

_**IT WILL ALSO BE FORBIDDEN TO RUN TO THE HOSPITAL AND DO A PROTEST TO BE ABLE TO BE LET INTO MR. CULLEN'S ROOM. PLEASE RESPECT THE PRIVACY OF THE CULLENS. **_

_**THANK YOU AND HAVE A NICE DAY!  
**_


	6. Chapter 6

**FORKS HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER**

_The Forks High School Newspaper is delivered to students for $1.50 every week. Enjoy! _

**

* * *

**

**THIS JUST IN! STATEMENT RELEASED BY EDWARD CULLEN!  
**by: Lesley Chang

Breaking News! Edward Cullen, brother of Emmett Cullen, has just released a statement concerning his brother's mysterious illness. It turns out that Emmett McCarty Cullen ate too many cotton candies while on a trip to the carnival with the Cullen Family's newest adopted child, Reneesme Cullen. Edward Cullen says "My brother was just being idiotic at that time and forgot that the doctor forbade him to eat any cotton candy. He was just plain stupid, and nothing else. My family appreciates all the flowers and cards you sent but regrets to inform you that could you please not do a protest outside Forks General?" A lot of students, mostly girls, protested against this and a few have been sent to the Principal's Office concerning a fight which had sprung up between Emmett Cullen supporters and Anti-Emmett Cullen supporters. Actually, the former had been all girls and the latter had been all boys who are actually jealous of Emmett Cullen for getting Rosalie Hale. As you know the famous bible verse, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" actually came true. Boys fought with fists while Girls fought with...high heels and make-up.

Statements to be further released by the whole Cullen party is to be due tomorrow.

* * *

**SUPPORT EMMETT CULLEN!  
**by: Lauren Mallory

Here, girls, are the schedules Jessica Stanley and I have been working on these past few days.

**Tomorrow (Tuesday): **"Send Emmett Cullen a Rose" Day

**Wednesday: **"Pile Emmett Cullen's locker (no. 548) with cards" Day

**Thursday: **"Kill Edward Cullen for calling Emmett stupid and an idiot" Day

**Friday: **"Skip school to go to Forks General to comfort Emmett" Day

* * *

**A Lucky Letter  
**by: Annie Gerard

**Dear Mike Newton, **

Your recent report on "Emmett Cullen is Gay" during Biology was in fact received negatively by the girl population of Forks High. I mean, Emmett Cullen is not guy. Look at his chest hair, his biceps, his triceps, his abs, his muscles, the way he dresses, the way he kisses Rosalie, and the way he beat your ass when you called him a loser. In my opinion, neither of the Cullen guys are gay. In fact, Mike Newton, the whole girl population of Forks High thinks you are gay and we have proof at that. For example, Why were you in Victoria's Secret lingerie last Saturday? And why were you at Marks and Spencer Friday after school? I smell a gay person here and it is certainly not Emmett Cullen.

**Yours Sincerely, Ashley Feurgson**

**Dear Mike Newton,**

You don't have chest hair or any muscles to speak of. Heck, you don't even have abs. All you have are flabs. So why the hell are you accusing Emmett of being gay? YOU ARE THE GAY ONE, MR. NEWTON! NOT EMMETT CULLEN! One day, Mike Newton, you will regret saying that Emmett Cullen was gay.

**Without Much Love, Mimi Forbes (Girls Football Captain)**


	7. Chapter 7

**FORKS HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER**

_The Forks High School Newspaper is delivered to students for $1.50 every week. Enjoy! _

**

* * *

**

**The Roving Reporter!  
**by: Annakin Williams

Hello Folks! Annakin Williams here, your number one Roving Reporter! Okay, back to the crisis at hand. I'm searching for somebody to report...and I've just spotted our number one victim! Ladies and Gentleman...(insert drum roll here) JASPER CULLEN-HALE!

Annakin Williams (AW): So Jasper, how's it going with you?

Jasper Hale (JH): Uh...fine, I guess

AW: Oh really? No new girlfriend on your arm?

JH: No...only Alice

AW: Hmm...what's the best thing about Forks High?

JH: Uh...the cafeteria food?

AW: The cafeteria food? Hello! Have you even eaten in the cafeteria during this year?

JH: Not really...no...look, I really need to go

AW: Wait! One last question! Can you go on a date with me?

JH: Eww...God...no

So there you have it! Our very own Jasper Cullen-Hale interviewed by our Roving Reporter! Stay tuned!

* * *

**The Emmett Segment!  
**by: Jessica Stanley

Hey guys! Welcome to the Emmett Segment! Brought to you by our generous sponsors, Newton's Sports Shop! Victoria's Secret! And Warner Brothers! So anyway, in the Emmett Segment we get to interview one of Emmett's siblings or girlfriend and for today, Alice Cullen is on the chair!

Jessica Stanley (JS): So Alice, what's the best thing about being an adopted sister to Emmett?

Alice Cullen (AC): Absolutely nothing! He hides my credit cards, blowtorches my clothes! Paints my car and sings in the shower!

JS: Um...what's the most embarrassing thing Emmett ever did to you?

AC: The first one or the most recent one?

JS: Recent

AC: He made me wear a Hobo costume for Halloween

JS: Oh...so...what's Emmett's favorite sport?

AC: Is Karaoke considered a sport?

JS: Um, never mind...anyway, how many abs does Emmett have?

AC: None

JS: Uh...So that's it ladies and gentleman! The Emmett Segment comes to an end! Thank You Alice Cullen!

AC: No problem! Adieu!


	8. Chapter 8

**FORKS HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER**

_The Forks High School Newspaper is delivered to students for $1.50 every week. Enjoy! _

**

* * *

**

**The New Advice Columnist!  
**by: Alice Cullen

Hello peers, my adoring fans and my...heartless critics *sob*. This is the one and only, fabulous, awesome, Alice Cullen here to report on the new piece of delicious gossip coming to you, live from the office of Forks High School Newspaper!

For starters, my childish brother, Emmett, has returned to school and will be temporarily resigning from his post as our advice columnist...to be replaced by me! Emmett meanwhile, will be taking on the job as head reporter, meaning that all the front page news from now on will be written and reported by a teenager with the mind of a five-year-old...Emmett!

Anyways, I'll be only answering questions from now on. Emmett had accidentally shredded the questions you guys had sent and therefore, I cannot answer them. Sad, I know.

So please ask and ask and I will answer you fabulously and with great advice. Unlike the advice my brother used to give.

Ending this report...with fabulous love...MARY ALICE CULLEN!

* * *

**Date Diaries  
**by: Susan Wong

***Jessica Stanley:** looking for a tall red-head with golden eyes. Name starts with E and ends with a D. Last name Cullen. Dear Edward, I'm staying single for you. Love, Jessica. Locker no. 790. email: SexyChickLovesYou11

***Jenny Thompson:** Hi! I'm looking for a bookworm without glasses or braces. No nerds, please! No offense. Boy must be taller than 5'8 and must be a non-smoker. Proper Oral Hygiene and good manners is a must. Locker no. 305. email: I_am_Beyonce

***Laura Wilkins:** ANYBODY WHO'S LAST NAME IS CULLEN AND IS A GUY! Locker no. 151. email: Cullen4Life778

* * *

**The Break-Up Corner  
**by: Angelica Dunst

Newest Broken Up Couples:

**Jessica Stanley and Mike Newton: **They had been going out for three months but Jessica apparently broke up with Mike because Mike had been flirting with a girl (rumored to be Angela Weber) during the Seniors Only Party.

**Helena Davies and Mark Stewart: **The two had been going out for a year but they broke up because Helena and Mark couldn't handle the long-distance relationship. Helena is a Junior here while Mark is at his first-year of college in the University of Alaska.


	9. Chapter 9

**FORKS HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER**

_The Forks High School Newspaper is delivered to students for $1.50 every week. Enjoy! _

_

* * *

_**A Letter From The Principal**

To the students of Forks High,

The board of committee has decided to shut down our newspaper because it doesn't take notice of school activities and projects such as the new recycling bins over by the cafeteria, new yoga mats for our Gym classes and healthier food choices in the vending machines such as banana chips, packs of croutons and ginger ale. This, however, is not your fault or anybody's fault. The committee would wish to express their sincerest apologies for the shutting down of our very successful newspaper.

However, they would like to introduce a new project. A literary magazine where our very own students can submit their own stories, poems and drawings which will be published and given out to students every month. But this magazine is still being discussed upon.

Thank you!

Sincerely, Your Principal

* * *

**HAPPY AD**

LOST: one acoustic guitar. Blue with stenciled doves on the bottom. Fifty Dollars Reward if found. Locker no. 462

LOST: yellow sketchpad with 180 pages. Reward if found. Locker no. 018

FOR SALE: One pair Manolos, dark red, four-inch heels. Never been used. $790 but can still change overtime. In good condition. Locker no. 301

* * *

**The end of another glorious story!**

**But there will probably a sequel...Just not the literary magazine but a Cullen website...**

**Thank you to all my readers who have been with me since the start!  
**


End file.
